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I would try everything I could do to tear him from myself and he’d come back for more – and stay.No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, he’d just stay.In his ‘CHOICE’ to stay, he’d talk to me, trying to draw a smile out of the corners of my ice sculpted lips, trying to release perhaps a drop of the tear-ocean contained within the frozen surface of my wintry eye-lake, trying to make me talk of NASA or the FBI or Ryan Gosling!
Beyoncé For a long time, I walked about the planet wearing the ‘ice queen’ label they had put on me. Safety from the numbing pain of heartbreak – safety from the desertion by love, without reason, without explanation, without retribution even. HE was the guy who wasn’t afraid of my outbursts, my anger or even my bitter cynicism, and scathing sarcasm!
But even behind the smile, I was aware of the not-so-flattering label I wore with a flourish and the paradox of the ‘big life’ I lived. In its seemingly ‘open and endless’ possibilities that the world saw and congratulated me for, I ‘closed’ myself for some stifling safety. HE was the guy who inched close to me, fully aware that for every small step he took in my direction, I was taking about five backwards.
I lived my big life – driven, content, confident, and SMILING.
HE was the guy who not only hopped onto my life-cab when I was driving about with my yellow shiny cab light off, but also challenged me about forgetting to switch it on! I became more fearful of his playful proximity and chose to hide – but he ‘sought’ me out and stayed.
In this ‘hide-and-seek’ game, I hid behind ominous grey swathes of cloud, afraid of the ‘sun’ he wanted to bring out.